Epiphanies
by Katherine Elaine
Summary: Post-Hell Night, Logan and Julian realize where they each belong, and maybe-just maybe-it's together.


Julian's packed his bags and Logan knows it. It's not exactly easy to look your best friend in the eye and tell him for all the wrong reasons that you're in love with him, and he knows that, too. Above all else, Logan knows it couldn't have been easy to keep that inside for three years and speak not a word of it to anyone, and yet have everyone around you know about it. He understands - really, he does. It's been a week since Julian got out of the hospital and returned to Stuart, laying in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. That room has never looked so grey to him, he decides, and suddenly there's nothing keeping him here anymore. He doesn't have to stay here and pretend anymore; pretend things are okay, pretend that this doesn't hurt, pretend that he's not broken.

Logan doesn't think about that, though. He lays on his back, hands behind his head and feet crossed comfortably. He rubs his eyes and his temple gently, trying to shake the weight of the situation he's got on his shoulders.

He remembers the past three years of Julian. Everything about him seems so much more defined. The tone of brown in his hair and the way it falls in his eyes; the way Logan wants to push it out of the way all the time. And the way his eyes glow when they stare at him; it's almost haunting. They're full of hurt and concern and secrets and mystery, but Julian isn't willing to share - or rather, he wasn't at the time. Logan thinks of Julian, tall and thin and surprisingly strong. He's not well-defined or particularly muscular. If you didn't know he was famous, he'd blend in with everyone else you'd see on the street in a day. But he isn't that to Logan.

To him, Julian isn't a star. He's a friend that just disappears from time to time. In the past, he's ignored the reasons for leaving, or in some cases, he was just oblivious. Or maybe he wasn't - maybe somewhere inside him, he'd known Julian's feelings all along. Looking back on it, it had all been so obvious. The truth is that there were so many times Julian left and Logan had no idea at the time that it was because of him. It was easier to pack up and leave than wrestle with the pain of being in love with someone who wouldn't return your feelings, who wouldn't even realize they existed. And Logan, numbed out and medicated, always had his eyes set on someone else.

Of course he'd be hurt, Logan concludes. And how could he not be? Logan was fixated on others all the time - always the wrong people. But who was there for him in the end of everything, picking up the pieces? Not because he wanted the classic love story - boy goes through break up, best friend comforts him, he falls for his best friend - but because he knew what real heartbreak felt like.

There were days after Harvey's funeral that Julian walked around, lifelessness in his eyes, and there were days he'd thought about talking to Logan, trying to apologise, but the words wouldn't come out. Instead he'd fumbled, his mouth hanging open as he stared at Logan, trembling violently. And Logan had reached out to touch his shoulder in reassurance, a silent "it's okay now". But Julian pulled away as if Logan's mere touch had burned him. Something inside him had snapped, and he lost the courage, turning away and walking as quickly as he could, furious and frightened.

That split second of a touch still haunts Logan's memory. Julian shook under his hand, fearful not of what Logan would say, but how Julian himself would react. They'd spoken since his confession at that point, though it was more than a little awkward the first few times, as expected. Julian wants to forget, but Logan can't.

Julian's been on his mind since. The few times he's gone to check on Julian whenever Derek couldn't, Julian actually let Logan comfort him. It's not because Julian needs someone, and anyone is good enough. It's not - surprisingly enough - because he loves Logan. It's because he's got nothing left to lose. Logan has seen him now in his most vulnerable moments, broken and honest. They've come to an unspoken mutual promise, now, that honesty is all they'll give each other. No more hiding things, no more pretending. For Logan, it scares him. It scares him to know he's always on Julian's mind, and that he's an object of someone's true affections, of unrequited, unspoken love that's been repressed for far too long, which leads him to think that Julian must be relieved in a way. Angry, of course, that Logan knew at all, but relieved that he didn't have to hold it inside anymore. Because once the truth is out there, it's hard to put back in. But he's truthful, as horrific as Logan imagines it would be, and he appreciates Julian's honesty. Julian's not raising his shield anymore. He's not avoiding conversation, but he's not so bold with his words. He's quieter than he was, less confident somehow, and inside it kills Logan to watch because he knows this isn't the Julian he's grown to know and love.

Because that's the simple truth; he loves Julian.

He hurts, too, much the same as Julian, but for different reasons. He hurts because most days Julian is far from okay and just barely holding himself together, but it's left Logan marked with the urge to heal him. That's maybe Logan's best - and worst - quality. When he's angry, he's really angry. When he hurts, he really hurts. And when he falls in love, God, he falls so hard. He hurts when Julian so much as looks him in the eyes, because even now, his stare hasn't changed. He's not hopeful or expectant, and there's still no life in his eyes. But Julian's an actor, and for the most part, he can compose himself, remaining blank and empty and emotionless. It's not that he doesn't feel - he just forces himself not to show it. Logan knows better, though. He knows that Julian doesn't show feelings because he doesn't want raised hopes to only be let down, like he always seems to be. Logan wipes at a tear, because he's afraid Julian might be right.

They don't feel like it's enough anymore, and they surround themselves in mutual barricades of silence and unspoken emotion, especially on Logan's part. He checks on Julian when Derek can't, and cradles him as he breaks down. Often, Logan finds him curled into the fetal position on his bed, and Logan rubs his back soothingly to calm him down. Sometimes Julian spends hours laying in Logan's lap, his head on his shoulder as his tears soak through Logan's shirt, but Logan doesn't mind. He's got other things on his mind. He wants to be so much closer to him, and he wants to hold Julian and feel like it means something to both of them. He wants to make Julian laugh again, make him smile again. He wants to hold him and sing him to sleep.

He wants to kiss him.

But Julian's packed his bags, and Logan knows it. He's made up his mind, and he's leaving for good. It hurts so much to go, but so much more to stay, and Logan's heart pains him again at just the thought. It's a cracked heart, yes, but it's not broken yet.

People seem to define silence as a lack of human-made sound, which is really defined as quiet. In fact, silence is the complete absence of mechanical sounds, of technology. Logan's tired of the silence around him - ticking of hands on a clock, soft buzzing of the lights overhead, and he's sick to death of the quiet - shouting outside in the courtyard, the inhale-exhale pattern of his deep breathing. And right now, that's all he's got. He needs more.

He walks across he hall, listening to the sound of quiet sobs, and slowly, silently, pushes the door open.

—

Hours later, Derek opens the door quietly to check on Julian, to make sure he's okay. What he finds is Logan wrapped around Julian, feet and legs tangled under the sheets and arms wrapped around each other, close enough to guarantee security, to narrow out any chances of escape. Their shirts have been shed and joined a heap of their clothes on the floor. There are tears in their eyes and they're smiling, really smiling. Logan isn't forcing it for once and Julian isn't acting. Their foreheads drip with sweat and are pressed together as the tips of their noses touch one another. Derek doesn't have to ask questions; he just turns away, shutting the door and smiling to himself, because finally they got it together. Logan brushes his lips against Julian's gently. It's the smallest thing in the world to Logan, but to Julian, it's everything. _He's_ everything.

They fall asleep like that, just like that. Quiet whispers, silenced with more kisses. Julian's hands grasp Logan's sides tightly, and Logan's arms pull Julian flush against his torso. They sigh quietly, grins still playing across their faces as their eyes flutter closed and they drift off.

And in the morning, when Logan wakes up, Julian stays.


End file.
